After many years in captivity, an alien breaks free | FAMILY FILM
Project: ALF
ALF is back, and trouble follows him wherever he goes. After years under government supervision, he gets a chance at freedom, but new plans surrounding his future place him in even greater danger. A fun mix of adventure, comedy, and sci-fi that continues the story of everyone’s favorite alien. Subscribe to the channel!
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Transcript
0:00 · [music]
0:46 · [music]
1:11 · [music] [music] [music] [music]
1:55 · [music]
2:21 · Good evening.
2:23 · I'm General Myron Stone, Air Force Liaison to the Pentagon.
2:29 · I would like to introduce to you our esteemed committee members.
2:32 · Under Secretary Overmire from the State Department, Dudley Next from the Pentagon, former Senator Anne Farnsworth, and Darnell Mugginz from Central Intelligence.
2:45 · I shall now ask our project personnel to introduce themselves.
2:49 · Yes, thank you, General.
2:51 · I am Colonel Gilbert Milfoil, and I am the head of security for the alien task force.
2:56 · This is my assistant, Second Lieutenant Reese.
3:00 · Uh I'm Second Lieutenant Reese.
3:03 · Uh Colonel Milfoil's assistant.
3:06 · Captain Rick Mulligan, scientific coordinator on Project Alf. My duty has been to monitor all testing performed on the alien.
3:16 · Major Melissa Hill, clinical psychologist. I've been responsible for all behavioral evaluations concerning the alien. This panel has convened to render a decision as to the immediate future of the alien life form known as Alf.
3:33 · Colonel Milfoil is demanding full resumption of psychological and physical testing and the possible elimination of the creature.
3:42 · Captain Mulligan and Major Hill oppose this idea and in fact recommend the release of the alien.
3:49 · Now, it is our responsibility to hear these arguments and determine what should be done with the alien.
3:56 · We know what to do with it. Some of us just don't have the guts. It's not a matter of guts, it's a matter of human rights. Aliens don't have human rights, Major. That's why they're aliens.
4:06 · They're aliens because we alienate them.
4:09 · Oh, please.
4:10 · She's right.
4:12 · We found Alf to be a warm, friendly, occasionally annoying, but highly intelligent creature. Sir, Alf is a menace to society and ought to be incinerated. Don't you mean incarcerated, sir? No.
4:25 · According to these records, Alf's planet Melmac exploded in 1985.
4:32 · After wandering in space for almost a year, his spacecraft fell to Earth and crashed into the garage of a family by the name of Tanner.
4:40 · That is affirmative, madam.
4:42 · The alien held the Tanner family captive and terrorized them for as long as he lived with them.
4:48 · The Tanners and Alf got along great.
4:51 · contrary, Mr. Tanner testified himself that the alien set over 300 fires in their home and that he continually tried to eat family cat. For the record, he never ate the cat. Besides, it was only 246 fires. Most of those were barbecue related. Uh where is the Tanner family now? They were placed on the witness protection program in 1990. Well, perhaps we should talk to them.
5:15 · I'm afraid they don't have a phone yet, sir. It's hard to get service in Reykjavik. They live in Iceland? They turned down Mozambique. They weren't happy with the school system there. Well, are they happy with ma'am. The rest is classified. Uh perhaps now would be a good time to view the videotapes of the alien undergoing some of those tests you told us about.
5:35 · The uh the committee should be aware that several tapes, including those of the more inhumane tests, mysteriously disappeared about the time these hearings were scheduled.
5:44 · some of the tapes? Honest to God, security in your department is appalling. Anyone can just waltz into his lab and take whatever he wants. Anyone with a security key and a 14-digit combination.
5:56 · May we take a look at those tapes we do have?
6:14 · Good morning, Alf. May I call you Alf?
6:16 · If you insist.
6:18 · Well, I'm Dr. Warner, and I'd like to ask you a few questions. Do I have to come up with funny answers?
6:28 · Not at all.
6:29 · And during the course of these interviews, we'll also be videotaping. If it's shown on Hard Copy, I'll expect residuals.
6:39 · [laughter] No, these tapes are classified. The public will never see them. That's what they told Marion Barry.
6:47 · Yes, yes.
6:51 · [snorts] Good morning, Alf.
6:57 · Yourself. I take it this isn't the word association test.
7:00 · There's been a change of plans. Not to worry. We're going to conduct a different test. I'm not sure I like the word conduct. I assure you it's completely safe.
7:14 · Oh.
7:15 · Pay no attention to that sign. Shouldn't even be there. I'll remove it if it bothers you. It bothers me.
7:29 · Ah!
7:29 · Oh!
7:35 · Medic!
7:37 · Medic!
7:38 · Hello, Alf. I'm Dr. Newman. No need to ask who you're replacing. We're going to try a little game called numeric sequencing. Does it involve electric shock? Absolutely not. Forgive me if I'm a little paranoid. There's still a silhouette burnt into the linoleum.
8:00 · Well, it's been officially determined that Dr. Warner had a heart condition and his unfortunate death was totally unrelated to the the mild shock that he received here. I'd be ready for litigation if I were you.
8:13 · Well, but that's not your concern at this point. The man was cooked in his shoes. Um could could could you stop the tape? His glasses were fused to his skull.
8:24 · Stop the tape.
8:25 · He was a cinder.
8:28 · Hello there. I'm Dr. Stanley. Where's Dr. Newman?
8:32 · He's taking some time off. I assume you heard what happened to Dr. Warner.
8:37 · Yep. Bad heart.
8:40 · Oh, we're sticking to that story, huh?
8:43 · Mum's the word.
8:45 · Uh let's try some word association. I'll say a word and you say whatever pops in your mind. Food. I haven't said anything yet. Nothing interesting, at least. Sit. I am sitting.
8:59 · No, no, no, no. That's the first word, sit. Oh.
9:03 · Uh food.
9:04 · Sunrise.
9:06 · Breakfast.
9:07 · Square. Meal.
9:09 · Left.
9:10 · Overs.
9:12 · Should we stop and uh get you something to eat? I could use a little snack.
9:19 · Do you feel better?
9:26 · I do now.
9:28 · May we proceed with our word association test? Fire away.
9:36 · All right.
9:37 · [clears throat] Here's the first word.
9:43 · Is there a problem?
9:44 · No.
9:47 · Here is the first word.
9:51 · Go ahead.
9:52 · No, here. The word here is the first word. You're jerking my chain, aren't you?
9:59 · Let let let let let's just try another word. Good idea.
10:04 · On. Off.
10:06 · Up. Down.
10:08 · Toast. Dr. Warner.
10:12 · In. Oh.
10:14 · Cold. Dr. Warner. Look, can we stop the cameras, please? Warner's body had to be removed by a CHIMNEY SWEEP.
10:23 · CUT.
10:24 · [screaming] HELLO. I'M DR. MOCKTON.
10:36 · I'm going to show you some inkblots.
10:38 · Does this involve electric shock?
10:42 · Let's not start that again.
10:44 · You know why I'm asking, don't you?
10:46 · I suggest you change the subject, unless you want to pay another visit to the centrifuge. Been there, done that, threw up. Let's start with this one. Dr. Warner struck me as a rather gentle man.
11:13 · [screaming] This one is definitely the Pepsi.
11:29 · Good morning. I'm Dr. Carnage. Yikes. Yikes yourself. Just so we understand each other. I'm going to show you some pictures. Are they of you? No. Good. Identify if you can.
11:43 · No breakfast?
11:44 · No breakfast. Lousy pork butt.
11:48 · No need to be insulting. No, no, that's what I had for breakfast. Just one lousy pork butt.
11:56 · Can you identify the man in this picture?
11:58 · He was the drummer for the Beatles. Can I ask you something?
12:04 · What? How have you found the food here on the base?
12:07 · Adequate.
12:08 · Any truth to that saltpeter's thing?
12:11 · Because frankly, I've been having trouble maintaining it. Tell me about this picture. I wondered when we were going to get around to the Star Trek stuff. Ah. So, you know about the Starship Enterprise. I know it's an icon for millions of people who don't have a life. And tell me about your spaceship. My ex-spaceship. Now, it's a pile of rubble, much like my life.
12:40 · And what about your life, Alf? Are you unhappy?
12:43 · Tell me what frightens you. Besides the Fox Network?
12:47 · Besides the Fox Network. Can I ask you something? Of course. I'm a bit curious about the don't ask, don't tell policy here in the military. What about it? Well, I assume it's worked to your advantage.
13:12 · Stop the tape.
13:14 · 3 2 1 Engage.
13:19 · [screaming] QUICK, SOMEBODY BRING THE JAWS OF LIFE. That crash test is the perfect example of the cruel and inhuman punishment Alf has been subjected to, Mr. Chairman.
13:33 · I guess it didn't work.
13:35 · Perhaps it would be a good idea if we met with Alf and talked with him personally. That's highly inadvisable, sir. He's very dangerous. And may I remind you, sir, he is pelvic height. Where exactly is Alf now? Exactly where he belongs, madam. In maximum security under full military guard.
13:58 · So, what's the alien going to do now?
14:07 · Looks like I don't have a choice.
14:10 · You don't.
14:16 · Straight flush. READ 'EM AND WEEP. HEY, HAVE SOME MORE PRETZELS, BOYS. They're only a dollar a bag. That's it for me. I'm tapped.
14:26 · You're tapped. I just lost my hazard pay. Well, better luck tomorrow, guys. Cash 'em out, Murph, and lock the safe. Yes, sir. Oh, and while you're up, get me the results from Santa Anita AND FIND OUT WHAT WE owe on the Tyson fight. Who would have thought that prison would have made him meaner? I'm on it, SIR.
14:43 · OH, AND RUSTLE UP SOME PIZZA FROM THE COMMISSARY. DOUBLE CHEESE, HOLD THE SALTPETER. RIGHT. RUN, BOY. YES, SIR.
14:50 · What's my schedule look like for tomorrow? Pretty tight. 8:30 a.m.
14:54 · massage. No hot oil. We won't make that mistake again. 9:30 breakfast, Irish oatmeal, fresh strawberries, okay? Do I get scones?
15:01 · You get scones. And fresh clotted cream?
15:05 · Bad news on the clotted cream front, I'm afraid. It missed the flight from Devonshire. Oh, why don't you just stab me? Sorry. Hey, 10:00 your hair coloring. Right shade this time? Burnt? Sienna. I'm the same color Lucy was towards the end. And I managed to block out from 11:00 to 3:00 for your lunch. Well, that is tight. And at 4:30, it's either tea time or a resumption of shock therapy, depending upon the outcome of the hearing.
15:31 · Oh, please let it be tea time. At this point, I'd even drink herbal.
15:37 · Dismissed.
15:42 · Besides, I met Yasser. Not only does he look like Ringo, he's a better drummer. Sorry. In consideration of the overwhelming amount of data before us, this committee will reconvene in 2 weeks. Until then, the alien remains in custody under full military security. Prudent decision, sir. It is the ruling of this panel, however, that all testing on the alien will be suspended until further notice. Sir, I must strongly object.
16:14 · Sir, let the record show that I object is adjourned.
16:26 · Mama.
16:28 · Beg pardon, sir?
16:31 · What?
16:33 · Did you say something, sir? What are you doing here?
16:37 · I'm saying good night, sir.
16:40 · Good night.
16:42 · Good night.
16:44 · Reese.
16:45 · Sir?
16:47 · How do you think things went today?
16:50 · I thought the panel made a very safe decision, sir. I thought it was abominable. Abominable, yes, sir. Safe, yet abominable. Reese. Still here, sir. Let me tell you a story.
17:06 · Now?
17:07 · I grew up without a mother.
17:10 · You'd never know, sir. I had a mother, but when I was 12 years old, they hauled her away. Nutty as a fruitcake, they said. Why do you suppose they said that, Reese?
17:19 · Oh, I wouldn't venture, I guess, sir. Even if I knew for certain. It was aliens.
17:24 · Across the border?
17:26 · From across the cosmos, Reese. Oh, out there. Yeah. We lived on a farm, and mother would talk of mysterious sightings. She spoke of cattle mutilations and bizarre rings burnt into the fields, but no one took her seriously until it was too late.
17:45 · Should I come in, sir?
17:47 · Yes, please. Come in. Make yourself comfortable. Then one day, the aliens kidnapped Mama. They experimented on her. They twisted her mind and cluttered her thoughts to the point where she doubted her own sanity.
18:02 · I'm sorry, sir.
18:05 · How about a drink?
18:06 · No, thanks.
18:08 · For me, Reese.
18:09 · Oh, of course.
18:14 · When my mother took her own life, she left behind a note penned with incomprehensible symbols. The ravings of a lunatic, they said, but I knew differently. Oh, yes. I knew very differently. And I made up my mind I would seek the truth. I knew that one day I would join the alien task force.
18:34 · Ice?
18:35 · Yes, please.
18:37 · Eventually, I found out that those symbols do indeed have meaning.
18:42 · What what did they mean, sir?
18:43 · I don't know.
18:45 · But they're the same as the mysterious etchings on the mountaintops of Peru. And they're the same symbols we found on the flying saucer in Area 51. Now, those symbols have yet to be deciphered, sir. You don't need a Rosetta Stone to know they spell trouble.
19:01 · You really think Alf poses that kind of threat?
19:05 · There's a very thin line between mutilating cows and eating cats. Point well taken, sir. But the panel doesn't seem to agree. The panel can never know what I know. Or what my dear mother knew. That's why we must take it out of their hands, Reese. I smell a covert operation, sir. What you're smelling is victory.
19:32 · A triumph of good over evil, one that could make me president of the United States. It might even help earn you your first lieutenant bars. Wow, [sighs] so much so soon. I want you to sign this medical requisition and access the serum from the lab on level three. If anyone asks questions, you just tell them it's bio-hazardous material, section 12-801.
19:57 · Sign right there.
19:59 · Top secret? Yes, our top secret, Reese. Right there at the bottom. Let me help steady your hand, son.
20:09 · Let's see.
20:10 · Good man, yourself.
20:12 · Congratulations. Thank you, sir.
20:15 · Carry on.
20:29 · Anyway, she was great. Didn't back down for a minute. I mean, she was passionate, eloquent, and beautiful.
20:37 · And she's here.
20:39 · Hi.
20:40 · Oh, hi. Major, Rick was just talking about you. Pete, why don't you go get yourself an apple juice, huh? Oh, yes, sir. Right away. Major Hill. No, thanks. All right, one apple juice. I'll be back in a couple of hours.
20:57 · She's a great kidder. [laughter] I've been transferred. What?
21:03 · It's true. When?
21:05 · No later than 0800 hours tomorrow morning. It's right there above Colonel Milfoil's signature. He can't do this to us. I I mean, we're such a great team.
21:17 · Divide and conquer.
21:20 · Excuse me, Doctor. I need a signature on this requisition form. Medical requisition level three. What's this about? I wouldn't say it's a section 12-801. Level three is bio-hazardous material.
21:36 · Aaron, would you please step outside?
21:37 · We'll be with you in a minute.
21:38 · Yes, sir.
21:42 · Reese is trying to access the vaccines we're developing for biological warfare.
21:53 · Security.
21:55 · Is Sergeant Romuald still on duty?
21:58 · Evening pizza run, of course. What about Murphy?
22:01 · Great, thanks.
22:03 · Murphy, Major Hill. Just checking up on Alf. No, I don't owe him money.
22:11 · Say, what's his schedule like for tomorrow?
22:13 · It's pretty tight, huh?
22:16 · Um any changes in the last several hours?
22:20 · Really?
22:21 · Why?
22:23 · What time?
22:26 · All right.
22:27 · Thanks for the info.
22:31 · What? What is it?
22:33 · They rescheduled [music] Alf's pedicure for a medical exam. I'd say a lethal one. I can't believe we're doing this. [music] It's our only choice. Once we get off of the base, we'll worry about everything else.
22:46 · him. We're saving his life.
22:48 · And where are we going to take him?
22:48 · Neverland Ranch?
22:51 · The only place he'd go unnoticed. Evening, Aaron Murphy. Evening, Major.
22:57 · Captain, evening. Alf around?
23:00 · Silly question, he's a prisoner.
23:03 · Yes.
23:04 · He's in a suite. Uh we've got him scheduled for a couple of tests tonight. He's sleeping pretty soundly, sir.
23:11 · That's good.
23:12 · Because they're nocturnal comprehension tests.
23:15 · NCTs.
23:18 · We do them in the morning, but it's just not the same.
23:21 · Oh, understood.
23:22 · Just Alf gets a little cranky when he's awakened, unless it's for his evening pizza. W- we should be arriving any minute, so you go on ahead. Hey, he's selling copies of movies that are still running in the theaters. We're not here to shop. $2.99 for The Lion King. How's he do this? I must again remind this jury not to discuss this case amongst yourselves, lest I admonish you.
24:02 · Alf!
24:03 · Counsel will refer to me as your honor.
24:06 · Alf, wake up.
24:08 · Hey! Easy with the mask, huh? I've got cold cream on. What are you two doing here? You know the rules. No merchandise sold till 0900 hours. Alf, you're in grave danger. We got to get you off the base. You're scheduled for a medical test in a couple hours. Oh, it must be my cholesterol again. Last time it was over a thousand. That's the least of your worries. Milfoil is planning to test a serum on you.
24:35 · Is it cherry flavored? It's poison, and it comes in a hypodermic needle.
24:40 · So, it's not cherry flavored?
24:42 · Alf, get up! We have to get you off the base. I can't leave all this behind. I have a corporation to run here. Alf, you have a choice. Your money or your life.
24:58 · Well?
25:00 · I'm thinking. I'm thinking. Well, there's no time for thinking.
25:07 · HEY! OW!
25:08 · OW! OW! OH, RELAX. IT'S just a sedative. Oh, that's really going to cost you, buddy. Just for that, I'm tacking on an extra 10% to your gambling debts, and I want it in cash by next Tuesday. Quick, get him in the mail bag.
25:28 · How much time do we have? He'll be out for a good half hour. Romuald, here's your pizza. Yeah, Alf, open up. What are we going to tell Get him in the bag. Um Slide the pizza under the door. Huh.
25:49 · It won't fit.
25:52 · Then keep it. And what ABOUT THIS FLAMING DESSERT? OH! Um extinguish and enjoy. Thanks, buddy.
26:02 · Feeling all right?
26:04 · Um yeah, I'm just not quite as peckish as I thought. Okay, pal. See you in the morning. Great impression of Alf. Except he would never use the word peckish. Yeah, he'd never turn down food, either. Come on.
26:25 · Oh, hey, Dave.
26:29 · Man. He's a lot heavier than he looks. Just our luck. Six of his seven stomachs must be full.
26:39 · All clear.
26:55 · Freeze.
27:05 · Where are you going, Captain?
27:07 · Driving.
27:08 · Unless, of course, you want to. You're not going anywhere, and that's an order.
27:12 · What are you talking about?
27:13 · There's no reason for you to get in any deeper. This is my day to take full responsibility. I thought we were in this together. Your help has been appreciated, Captain. And now you're dismissed.
27:26 · Are you pulling rank on me, Melissa?
27:29 · Major.
27:30 · And yes, I am. I don't believe this.
27:34 · Rick, that's an order. And if I don't follow it, what? You going to march back to Milfoil and tell him I'm being insubordinate? No offense, Major. This is my order. Get in the van. If we can make it past the guard gate, we got a shot.
28:01 · Is this a motor pool van?
28:03 · Yeah, it was. It's Alf's now. Won it in a poker game. Rents it back to him on weekends.
28:09 · [music] He'll probably charge us for mileage.
28:13 · Wasn't personal, was it?
28:15 · What?
28:18 · You're not wanting me to come along with you. No, I I like you. I like I like working with you. You're dedicated and sincere and sensitive. Well, not that you asked, but I think you're passionate, eloquent, beautiful.
28:41 · So, I overheard.
28:44 · I don't want you to get a big head about it. I know I felt that way since the first time I heard [music] you say Welcome to Edmonds Air Force Base. We're going really slowly. Well, I think we should. I mean, you're my superior, and I didn't know how you felt. No, I mean, we're going 2 miles an hour.
29:04 · Oh, yeah. Sorry.
29:26 · Evening, Major.
29:28 · Captain.
29:30 · What brings you out at 2300 hours?
29:33 · Oh, stealing government secrets, selling them to spies. No, seriously. Um I'm taking Major Hill to the train station. She's been transferred.
29:48 · Orders, ma'am.
29:51 · Be right back.
29:57 · You find him to be a bit humorless. It wasn't that funny.
30:01 · Oh, oh, oh.
30:03 · Where am I?
30:05 · Don't look now, the male's awake. Be quiet, Alf. I remember now. I'm being abducted by humans. There's a switch.
30:14 · Shut up, Alf.
30:17 · I have to use the bathroom. ALF, GET DOWN. OW! OH, THAT WAS EXCEPTIONALLY painful on a full bladder. Everything seems to be in order.
30:28 · Thank you, Sergeant.
30:31 · We have to go now. You're telling me. Beg your pardon? You're telling me.
30:35 · [laughter] Thanks.
30:52 · I don't recognize this part of the country. Could be this bag that [music] I'm in. Yeah, and you're going to stay in that bag till we get where we're going.
31:00 · Where are we going?
31:01 · Ever hear of Dexter Moyers? Yeah. UFO guy got drummed out of NASA. No, he wasn't drummed out. He resigned. He testified in front of a congressional committee that alien sightings should be made public. So, they transferred him to simulator maintenance. How come you know so much about him? He was a friend of my father's. I called him and he offered to help us.
31:23 · Where's he live?
31:24 · Near the Arizona-New Mexico border. Oh, goody. I should be able to swim out of this bag by then. Why are you so steamed, Alf? We saved your life. Saved my life? You took me from my friends, whom incidentally I was making a good living off of.
32:01 · Okay, I uh I checked with the front desk. There's no room service. Big surprise. We're lucky there's plumbing. What if Rick went out and got you something to eat?
32:11 · Would that make you happy? You can't buy me with food. Unless it's fried chicken. I'll see what's open. Couple of burgers, maybe. Right. Chicken or burgers? No, chicken and burgers and donuts. And get some beet juice. I like to dunk.
32:31 · Man.
32:32 · Also, if there's a laundromat around, I suggest you wash that mail bag. Why?
32:38 · What's wrong with the Told you to stop at a clean gas station. I'll see about that food.
32:49 · Last call. Anyone want the runny white part?
32:53 · Going, going, gone.
32:59 · Can we get some sleep now? It's 3:00 a.m. The night is young. Who's up for a game of Twister?
33:06 · Where did you put the sedative? I heard that Please, Alf, we need rest. Well, how shall we handle the sleeping arrangements? I should get to bed, seeing that I'm already on it and I'm shedding. Fine, we'll stay here on the couch. Evidently, we've paired up for the evening. We haven't paired up. There's just no place else to sit. Oh, tish-tosh. You two have been playing Ken and Barbie ever since we left the base.
33:38 · Could you turn the TV down?
33:40 · Nothing but infomercials on at this hour.
33:45 · How about turning it off?
33:48 · Oh, look. It's the one for the Wonder Rag.
33:51 · Okay.
34:08 · Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump. One, two, three, four. Jump, jump, jump, jump. One, two, three, four. Jump, jump, jump, jump. Someone's at the door. Oh, boy. Someone's at the door. Alf, hide in the bathroom. It's been a long time since those words were uttered.
34:39 · Evening, folks.
34:41 · Hello. Hi. Name's Ernie.
34:44 · I drive truck.
34:46 · Only if you look right behind me in the parking lot, you'll see my 18-wheeler. Oh, yeah, there it is. 16, 17, 18, right? Well, being on the road 20 straight hours can make a body tired. And irritable. Kind of hard to sleep when all you hear from the room next door is the incessant pounding of a bed on the wall.
35:05 · I I I'm sorry. I I apologize. We were Look, I was a newlywed myself once, buddy, but dang. We're not Uh-uh-uh.
35:15 · Point me.
35:25 · Alf, the coast is clear. You can come out now.
35:29 · Alf?
35:32 · Oh, no.
35:34 · What? What now?
35:40 · He's gone.
35:48 · And now the big question. How much would you expect to pay for the amazing Wonder Rag and patented hanging hook?
35:54 · Try Before you answer. Darn. Because there's a special TV bonus, we'll throw in this plastic protection bib and a gallon of sawdust for those stubborn industrial spills. I'll go AS HIGH AS 25.
36:08 · $100?
36:09 · $50.
36:10 · What if I were to say that you get everything for only $19.95?
36:15 · Try purchasing a rag and sawdust for anything less than that. LET'S CHECK ON Cindy and see how she's doing.
36:31 · Hi.
36:34 · Do you have a phone?
36:36 · What?
36:37 · All right, take your time, get over the initial shock, then answer my question.
36:42 · Do you have a phone?
36:49 · Pay pay phone outside. How about a coat?
36:53 · What for? You said the phone was outside, didn't you?
36:57 · Yeah. Then I'll need a coat and a hat if you have one.
37:03 · Yeah, yeah.
37:10 · And uh I'll need a quarter. Yeah.
37:13 · Sure.
37:15 · Anything.
37:16 · [clears throat] You're not going to bite me, are you?
37:21 · Not for a quarter.
37:24 · You're not from around here, are you?
37:27 · Minnesota.
37:30 · But somehow I thought it would be farther than that.
37:36 · Michigan.
37:37 · Yeah.
37:39 · Yeah, the Wolverine State.
37:41 · Yeah.
37:43 · Yeah, that that's what explains it. I appreciate the loan of the hat and coat and the quarter. And uh I have to go now. You you continue with your evening and have a good time. If you know what I mean.
38:00 · Bye-bye. Yeah.
38:13 · Jay Baruchel, Sergeant Murphy. Murph, is that you? Alf, it's 5:00 in the morning. It's too early for room service. I'm not calling for room service. I'm not even calling from my room. Ask me where I am. Where are you? I'm standing on a corner somewhere in Arizona, not a fine sight to see.
38:38 · Hold it.
38:39 · There's someone slowing down to take a look at me.
38:42 · Yeah, right. I'll go on a flatbed Ford, huh? How'd you know?
38:47 · Just a guess. Good night, Alf. Wait a minute, Murph. I'm not kidding. You're telling me you're off the base.
38:54 · Yes, I was kidnapped by Rick and Melissa. Major Hill and Captain Mullican?
39:01 · Oh, forgive me. I forgot my protocol. W- Where are they? At the motel. What are they doing in a motel? Not much. They're just good friends. Look, I got to keep this short. That girl in the flatbed Ford just came back. Looks like she's got a gun and eats red meat.
39:21 · What do you want me to do?
39:23 · Um bring me my cash, my credit cards, and my pool cue. I might have to work for a living. I'll do what I can. Where can I get a hold of you? Leave a message on the internet.
39:43 · Kitty Cat Lounge.
39:45 · Oh boy, breakfast.
39:59 · Any luck?
40:01 · No.
40:03 · Weren't for bad luck, we'd be having no luck at all. Okay. I'll get the van and search the town.
40:09 · Hold on.
40:11 · I got a hunch.
40:13 · You wait in the room in case he comes back. Where are you going?
40:16 · I'll be right back.
40:29 · [music] [music] [music] [music] [music]
41:04 · [music] So, what are you drinking? Uh nothing. I'd like to see a menu, though. Yeah, well, we don't serve food. Isn't this the Kitty Cat Lounge? Yeah.
41:18 · Well, I'd like a nice, big, fat calico, medium rare. Are you some kind of sicko?
41:27 · [screaming] All right. All right. Take it easy. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? LOOK!
41:32 · HI.
41:33 · [screaming] WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING? IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY. I CAN EXPLAIN. Do it.
41:39 · Now.
41:41 · Um Mardi Gras.
41:43 · We're we're on our way to Mardi Gras, and and hence the costumes. What Mardi Gras? What costumes? The ones we're wearing. What costumes? Okay, got to go now. You're not going anywhere. There's a two-drink minimum.
42:07 · Each.
42:09 · Well, in that case, I'd like a Melmacian martini. If you don't have fresh cat juice, you could substitute ferret. Okay, here you go. Here you go. Thanks very much. Something for the ladies. Appreciate it. You're lovely. Okay, come on, let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Come on. I hope you're not trying to win any prizes with those outfits. The Village People uniform's okay, but that dog suit's the worst. Permission to bite the bouncer, sir.
42:37 · Denied. Keep moving.
42:40 · Come on. [groaning and screaming] [music] Hey. Hey. Easy on the dog suit. It's a rental.
42:50 · Oh, great. The cops. What's so great about that?
42:59 · Let's see if I've got this right. Around 4:32 a.m., a short furry creature comes in. It was a wolverine. A wolverine. He was from Michigan.
43:08 · Allegedly.
43:09 · A wolverine from Michigan. Asked to use the phone, then proceeded to steal your hat and coat. No, no, no, no, he borrowed them. But let's be realistic. I'll never see him again. I wouldn't be so sure. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? NOW THIS PLACE IS CRAWLING WITH COPS. LET'S hope they leave before the helicopters get here. What helicopters? Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines. I might have inadvertently alerted the military.
43:51 · How might that have happened?
43:54 · Phone call.
43:56 · Whose? Mine. When? Before. How? Collect. Are you sure? You're getting it straight from the wolverine's mouth. Why? Because I need my thing. I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.
44:11 · I'M TALKING TO HIM. WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF here now. In what?
44:15 · A military van? They probably got an APB out on it. May I suggest a vehicle change?
44:20 · No. No, you may not. Fine.
44:24 · We really shouldn't drive that van.
44:32 · Okay.
44:33 · Um how would you suggest facilitating a vehicle change?
44:41 · What vehicle change?
44:43 · The one you suggested earlier.
44:46 · Sure it was me?
44:48 · Why are you even listening to him?
44:50 · change is not a bad idea. I'll take care of it. You can't go outside. I just did. Let him go. All right, you got 5 minutes.
45:04 · Fine. No problem.
45:07 · But your vehicle.
45:11 · [clears throat] Uh-oh.
45:19 · [clears throat] Remember me?
45:27 · The guy from Michigan. Yeah, I'm returning your hat and coat. Much obliged. And your quarter.
45:35 · Thank you.
45:37 · I uh I have another gift for you.
45:40 · You see that van outside there?
45:42 · The one that says property of US government on the side? That's the one. It's yours. I'm with the government, and we want you to have it. Really? Yeah.
45:52 · What else do you need?
45:54 · I don't know. Um socks. No problem. I'll send you a gross. I hope you look good in Air Force blue. Hey, you like music?
46:04 · Yeah. I'll send you some CDs. Is 100 enough?
46:11 · What's the catch? No catch, no catch. You lent me a quarter, I'm giving you a brand new van and a thousand dollars worth of merchandise. When you do good things, it comes back to you. Wow. Wow, thanks. D'oh! D'oh! Stupid me. Ha. I gave you my van.
46:32 · How am I going to get where I'm going?
46:33 · You know.
46:35 · What kind of car do you drive?
46:37 · Uh '59 Caddy. What's it worth? Seven or eight hundred bucks. All right, well, let's see. We got the van, the socks, the CDs. You give me the car and 500 bucks, and we'll call it even. I don't have any money. All right, all right. You drive a hard bargain. Just give me the car. I guess you didn't get to where you are by being stupid. You got to stay on your toes.
47:02 · I uh I don't suppose there'd be any warranty that goes with this car. No. A deal's a deal. Take it or leave it. I'll take it. Oh, by the way, first chance you get, you might want to have that van repainted.
47:18 · Bye.
47:39 · Air conditioning.
47:40 · Satin sheets, big screen TV. Potted palms. Gentlemen, do you mean to tell me the alien has been living like this the whole time he was locked up? No, sir. His original room was fine, more spacious, but he complained it was too drafty. I see. Why didn't we just put him in a suite at the Ritz-Carlton? Actually, sir, Alf did suggest that. Put a lid on it, sergeant.
48:00 · Yes, sir. Colonel Milwell. Yes, Reese.
48:02 · The red alert has been issued, sir. A high-priority search is in effect for Major Hill, Captain Mullican, and the alien. Very well, son. Now, I want you to get a mobile command unit underway ASAP. I intend to personally handle every aspect of this investigation. It's already been initialized, sir. Look at this. Roulette table, one-armed bandits, pinball machine, blackjack table, his own personal casino.
48:22 · Did you know anything about this, Reese?
48:24 · Yes, sir.
48:25 · What?
48:27 · Uh but I only participated on Wednesdays. It was Monte Carlo night. You men ARE ON REPORT. YES, SIR. HE SAID HE WAS GIVING A FULL 2% to the homeless, SIR. THERE ARE NO HOMELESS IN THE MILITARY, YOU IDIOT!
48:47 · HEY. HEY. HEY. HEY. Riding in the back of a pink Cadillac. Jack, smacking on a snack, and thinking on back of old Melmac. Grew up in a shack without knickknacks. No rack and pinion steering. My uncle hard of hearing. The missus interfering. Alf. What? What are you doing? Rapping with the wind, dude, about life back home. You didn't grow up in a shack with no knickknacks, and you've never been married. Hey, it's a rap. It doesn't have to make sense.
49:20 · Now, I asked you to get down and stay out of sight. If I do that, I can't eat the bugs. I get first dibs on licking the windshield.
49:33 · Yuck. How much further?
49:35 · Um not much.
49:38 · Why would Carl Sagan live way out here?
49:41 · It's not Carl Sagan. It's Dexter Moyers.
49:46 · He's an ex-NASA test pilot and he is an expert on UFOs. As long as it's not Carl Sagan. What's wrong with Carl Sagan?
49:54 · Besides his hair?
49:56 · Well, for one thing, he insists on pronouncing the name of that planet Uranus. You want to know the correct pronunciation? No.
50:04 · No.
50:05 · Fine.
50:11 · He's going to say it anyway, isn't he?
50:13 · Probably.
50:15 · Uranus.
50:18 · That's how it's pronounced.
50:25 · [music] [singing] [music] [music]
50:52 · [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] You know, we've been driving almost 10 minutes. I haven't seen another car on this highway. This isn't a highway. It's Dexter Moyers' [music] driveway.
51:45 · [music] Whoa, a shopping mall.
51:57 · Okay, I'll admit it. I'm intimidated. I'll go in and check things out if you stay here with Alf.
52:05 · Get some rice pudding. Will you get down behind the seat?
52:11 · Oh, hey, look.
52:13 · Another gin bottle.
52:16 · Dead soldier.
52:18 · Get down.
52:32 · Kindly state your name and nature of business. Um, Melissa Hill. I'm here to see Dr. Moyers. He's expecting me.
52:40 · Please wait. Processing.
52:48 · Melissa?
52:50 · Yes.
52:51 · I'm Nina, Dr. Moyers' assistant. Please, come in. Your friend, too. You know, I thought that I would talk to Dr. Moyers first before I Of course. He looks almost human. That's my associate, Rick Mullican.
53:10 · Oh.
53:19 · May I offer you a refreshment?
53:22 · No.
53:23 · No, thanks.
53:24 · Wasted trip.
53:28 · Talk about almost human. That's Rocket, our civil bot.
53:44 · Melissa.
53:45 · Pleasure to meet you again, Dr. Moyers.
53:47 · Please, it's Dexter and call me Dex.
53:50 · Can't believe it, you are the spitting image of your dad. So I've been told. Come on, sit down. Your father was quite a guy. I'll never forget the first time I met him at NASA. We were uh working on a secret missile project and the first thing he did was pull out a picture of his 9-year-old daughter Pork Chop.
54:10 · Pork Chop? Yeah.
54:12 · He named you after his most glorious moment when he and his battalion took Pork Chop Hill.
54:17 · Ah.
54:18 · [laughter] Or dimes?
54:22 · Hungry?
54:23 · No.
54:24 · No, thank you.
54:25 · Or fortunes?
54:32 · I should get back to the car. Pull in the garage you can come in the Great.
54:40 · Um, and thank you for aiding and abetting?
54:46 · It's my pleasure.
54:48 · I got to tell you I'm very excited about meeting your friend.
54:51 · He's a handful.
54:53 · Well, we'll try and make him feel safe. I promise I won't call you Pork Chop. Anyway, I know [snorts] your middle name is Angel. That's right. Much more fitting. I'm going to go get my friends now.
55:09 · Okay.
55:25 · So, everything all right? You see Moyers?
55:27 · Yes, and he is terrific. He's perfect. Would that gorgeous young Earthling who answered the door happen to be Mrs. Moyers? No, I think he's single. Let's hope they have a hot tub.
55:47 · Welcome back.
55:49 · Rick, this is Dr. Moyers.
55:52 · Dexter.
55:54 · Dex.
55:55 · Dex, this is Rick Mullican. Rick, doctor, heard a lot about you. I want to thank you both for risking so much to save the alien life form.
56:04 · Speaking of which, where's the little guy?
56:07 · Alf? What?
56:09 · You can come in now. NOT SO FAST. THEY HAVE A CAT. HERE, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY. HERE, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY. ALF, GET IN HERE.
56:22 · [screaming] I'll be back with my boning knife. Alf, this is Dr. Dexter Moyers.
56:31 · Howdy, partner.
56:39 · Well, Dr. Moyers, what do you think?
56:42 · I think this is the moment I've been waiting for my entire life.
56:48 · Me, too.
56:52 · Come on, come on in. Uh, not so fast.
56:55 · What's the seventh planet from the sun?
57:01 · Uranus?
57:03 · Lead on, Macduff.
57:37 · Amazing.
57:39 · Absolutely amazing.
57:41 · What do you care for an ape dessert, sir? Muchas gracias, Rockmeister. Keep them coming. That's the extent of the rice pudding, I'm afraid. Unless you'd like to lick the container. I would, indeed. Another gallon of plum juice to wash it down. How did you know? I must be psychic. Your metabolism is incredible. What's your diet like on Melmac? Uh, fruits, vegetables, free-range kitten. Pretty strict. I used to be an underwear model.
58:12 · So many questions I want to ask you about space, time, the universe. I have a few questions for you. Questions about Nina, her likes, her dislikes, and would she like to be an underwear model? This is the most incredible place I have ever seen, Dex. I could live here. There's plenty of room.
58:36 · What do you think of the joint, Rick?
58:37 · You haven't said much. Oh, well, obviously, it's it's pretty amazing. I mean, the computers, the communication hookup, production facilities. Can't think of anything you don't have. Napkins. You could use more napkins. I'll put napkins on the shopping list.
58:58 · You do your own shopping?
59:00 · Yeah, and the cooking.
59:01 · Wow.
59:03 · Wow.
59:05 · Does that surprise you?
59:06 · No, I just I thought maybe Nina did it. No. Uh, Nina doesn't cook. She doesn't have to. And you never will.
59:21 · You rang, sir. Uh, no, but while you're here, would you mind vacuuming my lap?
59:26 · Nina needs a clean place to sit. I'll return with the Shop-Vac. Next time, I'll remember to lay down a tarp. That's the first robot I've seen with attitude. I modeled him after my ex-wife. You designed Rocket yourself? Yeah, when I was at NASA.
59:46 · Wow.
59:48 · He shops, he cooks, he builds robots. Guess I'm quite a guy.
59:54 · Yeah, speaking of NASA, what happened over there that caused you to get drummed out?
1:00:01 · Dex wasn't drummed out. He resigned because the government was suppressing information that he thought should be made public. Ah. If I ever use that tone of voice with you, smack me.
1:00:15 · Here's what happened.
1:00:17 · 1978, two other NASA test pilots and I spotted a UFO over Utah. I was the only one to publicly admit we'd seen anything. The government denied everything and Dex was demoted, but he could have been the next man on the moon. The first guy was sure a bust. Neil Armstrong? Yeah. He had about as much personality as sled tracks.
1:00:38 · And that one giant step thing, I mean, who was his speech writer? Andy Rooney?
1:00:43 · No, I think Neil came up with that himself. They should have left him on the moon.
1:00:48 · Didn't I read something somewhere about you being implicated in the Lobo incident?
1:00:55 · The Lobo incident was the biggest lie the government ever made up about me. Let's just drop it.
1:01:02 · Okay, Rick?
1:01:03 · Fine.
1:01:05 · How do you feel about dating outside of your species?
1:01:09 · It wouldn't be the first time.
1:01:12 · [screaming] Isn't she delightful? If I recall correctly, the government accused you of being an informant or something, right?
1:01:19 · Rick! No, no, no, I didn't say it, they did. You're being really discourteous to our host. Yeah, after all he's provided us. All right, you're right. I apologize. I was out of line. Look, my only purpose, even in the beginning, was to go public with the truth. Some people don't like that.
1:01:44 · Wait a minute.
1:01:46 · Is that the plan?
1:01:49 · You want to go public with Alf?
1:01:51 · Absolutely.
1:01:53 · Once people know Alf exists, he'll be safe. And let's not forget the merchandising possibilities. Do you really want to see Alf dolls in all the toy stores? As long as they're plush. They don't render well in vinyl. You're serious about exposing Alf to the public. Yeah. I'm expecting a call from Nigel Neville.
1:02:14 · Nigel Neville? From Global Television Network? He's an old friend of mine. Oh, of course. I'm trying to get Alf booked on his show tomorrow night. It'll broadcast worldwide from London.
1:02:25 · Nigel Neville live? You really think that's the best way to reveal Alf to the world? Rick has a point. I say we hold out for Baywatch. If anybody's interested, I think it's a big risk getting on a plane, flying to London, and putting Alf completely at the mercy of the media. We're not taking Alf anywhere. We'll do the interview from here by satellite feed. I'd never put Alf in harm's way.
1:02:47 · Now, don't you feel foolish?
1:02:54 · We'll do London another time.
1:02:56 · Ducky.
1:03:03 · [music] Rick.
1:03:12 · Rick, wake up.
1:03:15 · [clears throat] Alf, what are you doing?
1:03:19 · I need to contact Murphy on the internet, but I don't know how to work Dex's computer.
1:03:24 · Oh, why don't you get Dex to help you?
1:03:28 · Rick, I've never seen you like this. Something about the guy, I just don't like him. No, I mean, from this angle. I thought I had a lot of nose hair. Come on, come on, let's go.
1:03:41 · Oh, man.
1:03:46 · All right, here's a list of the things I want Murphy to send me. I promised Nina nylons. I hope she looks good in Air Force blue.
1:03:54 · You really think you got a chance with her?
1:03:56 · I do if I can get those nylons. Oh, give me the list. I forgot to add oysters.
1:04:01 · What's Nina going to do with oysters?
1:04:03 · They're not for her, they're for me.
1:04:16 · Alf, what do you make of this?
1:04:22 · Oh.
1:04:23 · You boys having trouble sleeping?
1:04:26 · No, no, Alf just needed to use the computer. I was just concerned because when the computer's turned on, so are the security cameras and everything in this room gets videotaped.
1:04:35 · Oh.
1:04:36 · Uh well, he just wanted to send something over the internet, this this list of items. Maybe I can help. Yeah, Rick, get up. Let someone who knows what they're doing get in there.
1:04:47 · Enough.
1:04:49 · Uh if you need me, I'll be in my room.
1:04:50 · We won't need you.
1:04:55 · Now, about the last item on this list here, I think that we should specify strapless.
1:05:05 · Melissa.
1:05:07 · Melissa.
1:05:09 · Who is it?
1:05:10 · It's Rick.
1:05:11 · Mhm.
1:05:12 · Come in.
1:05:16 · Oh, hi.
1:05:19 · Look, I'm sorry. I've I've been acting like a jealous idiot. Apology accepted. Good night. Yeah, but that doesn't change my mind about Dexter. In fact, I just saw something on his computer that makes me even more suspicious. Like what? I don't know. There's a file called Operation Payback. It's a list of names, timetables, numbers, big numbers. It had something to do with Alf.
1:05:47 · Just uh want to make sure everything was all right in here. Rick was just saying good night. Well, that's a pretty good idea. We've got a big day tomorrow, a monumental day. We should all get some sleep.
1:05:59 · Yeah.
1:06:02 · Good night.
1:06:04 · Good night.
1:06:10 · Good night, Rick.
1:06:25 · I get the feeling Rick's a little apprehensive about our plans for tomorrow.
1:06:29 · Oh, he's okay.
1:06:30 · He just wants to make sure we're doing the right thing.
1:06:33 · Do you think we're doing the right thing?
1:06:34 · Oh, I do.
1:06:36 · I do.
1:06:39 · Aren't we?
1:06:40 · Telling the truth is always the right thing. I'll see you tomorrow.
1:06:51 · Good night, Angel.
1:07:09 · We're all set, sir. A few more curly fries from underneath the bed and I think we'll have it all, sir. How long were they here? 6 hours, sir.
1:07:17 · 6 hours?
1:07:20 · Burnt sienna.
1:07:26 · We're close.
1:07:28 · We're very close, gentlemen. Put that in the bag, sergeant. Carry on.
1:07:33 · Thank you.
1:07:42 · You mean the security system wasn't on the videotape? He must have turned off the security camera. No one heard a car starting or someone driving away? I'm afraid not, sir. Hold a moment, please. It's the London Times. They want to know why Nigel Neville bumped Nelson Mandela off the show tonight to interview you. I'm the one you're watching, they'll find out. You're stone, sir. I'm plotting. Dream. All right, Rock of Ages.
1:08:04 · Where's the cheddar cheese? I'll leave for Wisconsin immediately. Drive safely.
1:08:10 · Good morning.
1:08:11 · You want to see me? Yes, Melissa, I do.
1:08:13 · Yo, Dex, let me tell her. Guess who flew the coop last night. I'll give you a hint, Rick. RICK'S GONE?
1:08:21 · BAILED, TOOK A POWDER, BAMBOOZLED, SPLITSVILLE, HASTA LA VISTA, BABY.
1:08:27 · WHERE DID HE GO? We thought you might know. How would I know?
1:08:31 · Did he discuss it with you or leave a note? No. I'm just as surprised as you are.
1:08:37 · Okay.
1:08:41 · Find him.
1:08:46 · Where do you think he went, Alf?
1:08:48 · Beats me. Pass the donuts.
1:08:52 · David Administration. Pete?
1:08:55 · Hey, Rick, is that you? Thank god, you're in the office. Hey, man, where are you?
1:08:59 · Uh I'm off base.
1:09:01 · Way off base.
1:09:03 · Anyway, I guess by now everybody knows what happened, huh? You mean like you guys going AWOL and abducting a military hostage? That is some speculation.
1:09:12 · I'll bet. Listen, Pete, I need a favor. What do you need, Rick?
1:09:17 · I want you to access the central data bank. Give me any information you can on a military scandal called the Lobo incident. Lobo, huh? That sounds familiar. Yeah, it happened around 1979.
1:09:29 · Maybe 80.
1:09:31 · All right, I'm on it. Hey, where can I get in touch with you? Uh, you can't. I'll call you back. Okay, well, give me an hour and I'll try and have something by then. Thanks, Peter. I appreciate it. Hey, Rick. It's good talking to you, man.
1:09:44 · You take care, okay, buddy?
1:09:46 · Yeah, you too. Thanks. Did you get that, Reese? Every word, sir. We're tracing the call right now.
1:09:54 · Find him, son.
1:09:56 · Or mama.
1:09:57 · 47-in waist. I'm going on a diet after the holidays.
1:10:05 · 15-in neck.
1:10:07 · Look, I'll save you a lot of trouble. I'm the same suit size as Danny DeVito and the same dress size as his wife. Oh, the satellite uplink is online, but we're still having trouble with the phone lines to Kuwait. Keep me posted.
1:10:20 · 22-in sleeve.
1:10:25 · What are you doing?
1:10:27 · I'm fitting Alf for a spacesuit. I want to look authentic on the air.
1:10:31 · You're the real thing. How much more authentic do we need?
1:10:34 · Dex is getting a little stage fright.
1:10:36 · We'll talk later.
1:10:39 · Yeah.
1:10:39 · You know, Dex, I've been thinking about being merchandised. We've got to be careful. I don't want it to look like we sold out.
1:10:46 · at 59 Caddy. You know, like putting those Disney characters on a diaper pail was an embarrassment. Probably the reason Katzenberg left. Good. Now, find the driver. And I think we should draw the line on extruded cheese products and anything gelatinous. Let's not follow in Bill Cosby's footsteps. Fine. Nothing gelatinous. Hi. Alf, what are you doing on the table? I'd like to think of it more as a pedestal.
1:11:16 · The lighting director says he's ready to talk to you. Great. If you're not lit right, the camera can add 20 lb to your nose. We learned that from the Gérard Depardieu movies.
1:11:28 · Dex, can I talk to you for a minute?
1:11:32 · I'll go help Alf out.
1:11:34 · What's on your mind?
1:11:36 · Rick, have you heard from him?
1:11:38 · No, not a thing.
1:11:39 · I'm a little worried about him.
1:11:41 · After all, we are were in this together. Sorry I let you down. Last night when he came into my room, he was really upset. He said that he saw something on your computer. I didn't really think much of it at the time, but I just overheard a conversation between two of your associates and they were talking about the same thing.
1:12:03 · What is Operation Payback?
1:12:12 · More coffee?
1:12:13 · No.
1:12:14 · No.
1:12:15 · I'll take a cup of that java, man.
1:12:19 · Sir.
1:12:20 · Gavin?
1:12:30 · Guess you better make that to go, huh?
1:12:39 · I'm sorry it had to come down to this because I really do like you, you know.
1:12:42 · I can't believe I let Alf into a trap. Don't think of it as a trap. Think of it as an opportunity. Now, I promise you Alf won't be hurt. He's much too valuable for that.
1:12:52 · Merchandising.
1:12:53 · Melissa, you don't understand. Alf is the merchandise. You're selling Alf? To the highest bidder. But only once I prove to the world that extraterrestrial life exists.
1:13:04 · You're never going to get away with this. The government will hound you until the day you die.
1:13:07 · Don't I get angel? Don't ever call me that. Once I expose Alf, the government has no credibility and I think he deserves something [music] for that.
1:13:16 · How about a million dollars and safe passage out of the country?
1:13:19 · I hate you. Well, think about it. Consider your [music] options.
1:13:25 · Want to watch some TV?
1:13:26 · Your Nigel Neville has a pretty good show on tonight. We will find the alien whether you cooperate or not.
1:13:36 · Sure.
1:13:38 · Just might take a little longer if I don't.
1:13:39 · We've got him in our sights. I've got ground units covering a 600-mi radius.
1:13:44 · Oh, you're assuming they're traveling by land. What?
1:13:47 · Oh, nothing.
1:13:48 · I was just saying if they're in a private plane, for example, every hour that ticks by puts them hundreds of miles further away. Listen to me, you traitorous little twerp. You better come clean and quickly, too, or I'm going to kick your butt so hard your breath's going TO SMELL LIKE SHOE POLISH. All right, I'll cooperate. I knew you were monitoring those phone calls into the base. I wanted you to find me.
1:14:14 · I'm ready to make a deal.
1:14:25 · What kind of deal?
1:14:27 · I'll lead you to them if you promise not to harm Alf or Melissa.
1:14:31 · Why would I agree to that?
1:14:35 · Cuz if you don't find him in the next 50 minutes, it'll be too late. Alf will be revealed to the world and your entire career will be a sham. All right, it's enough, Louie. I'm not Burt Reynolds. 6 minutes to air, Dr. Moyers. The bidder standing by? Now, all but the King of Yemen.
1:15:14 · He's still in morning prayers. Better praise got enough money to bid by the time it gets around to him. By the way, US dollars only. No rubles, no yen, no francs, no drachmas and definitely no pesos. 50 million dollar opening bid and increments of 10 million after that. Where's Alf? Green room.
1:15:31 · How do you feel, cutie? Oh, a tad nervous. I thought I'd open with a couple of toilet jokes to get the English audience on my side. Hey, hey. Just walk away, Renee. I don't want to appear overly groomed. You look adorable.
1:15:48 · How you doing, champ?
1:15:49 · Oh, oh.
1:15:52 · What do you think?
1:15:54 · Why does he have an ascot and a pipe? He asked for them, sir. I work well with props. You don't need props. Just go out there and be yourself. Getting rid of these. I'll mail them back to Hugh Hefner. I thought I'd open with a joke or two. No, no. No jokes, Alf. Here's one.
1:16:12 · What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?
1:16:20 · I don't know.
1:16:21 · So, YOU'RE THE ONE.
1:16:24 · [screaming] THEN I THOUGHT I'D SEGUE INTO SOME of the B material. No jokes. Gee, Dex, I'm starting to see a big change in you. Are you getting enough sleep? 3 minutes to air.
1:16:41 · I'll bring you out after the first commercial break. WHO'S THE SPONSOR?
1:16:44 · WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? I just don't want to follow some feminine hygiene product. I got to go. You know, there must be a way to work in some of these jokes without looking too obvious.
1:16:58 · He said no jokes, Alf, and he means it. Gee, Nina, I'm starting to see a change in you, too. Dex, can you hear me, buddy? Loud and clear, Nigel. Uh, you want to give me some idea what we're talking about tonight? Uh, you're going to have to trust me on that one, Nige. I haven't let you down yet, have I? No, now would be a good time to start. Nelson Mandela is a little miffed.
1:17:29 · I'll bet. Uh, we're up on the bird and the phone lines are open. They better be. There's a lot at stake. All right, we're going to remote, everyone. In five, four, three, two, and Good evening, world. Tonight on Nigel Never Live, we'll be talking to Dr. Dexter Moyers, America's leading authority on UFOs, cult figure and best-selling author.
1:17:52 · He says that tonight we're in for a bit of a surprise. So, stay put, won't you?
1:17:57 · I've been thinking.
1:17:59 · Maybe going on that English guy's TV program isn't the right approach. I could make more money in a concert tour. You're going on TV and it's settled. You'll do fine, sweetie. Really. I want to talk to Melissa. I could be making a bad career move. Alf, now isn't really the time to talk to Melissa.
1:18:26 · She's she's busy.
1:18:35 · Dexter Moyers, there he is, folks. Renegade test pilot, NASA scientist, almost walked on the moon. How are you, buddy? I'm great, Nigel.
1:18:47 · [clears throat] I've to use a little alien's room. You can't.
1:18:50 · I must. Alf, MOVE.
1:18:53 · I MUST.
1:18:53 · GET BACK HERE.
1:18:56 · You know, a lot of folks at NASA, when the name Dexter Moyers is mentioned, talk about sour grapes.
1:19:03 · You once reported sighting a UFO and your government not only denied it, but made sure that you never reported another, or so you say. What's the real story, Dex?
1:19:13 · The real story unfolds tonight, Nigel. It's the culmination of all my years of believing the existence of extraterrestrial life. Tonight, the truth will be known and I'll be vindicated because now there is living proof.
1:19:26 · Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it right there. Are are you telling me that somewhere on the face of this earth there is an actual alien? There is an actual alien, Nigel, and he's right here in the studio with me. In a minute, you and millions of your viewers are going to meet him. Oh, come on, Dex.
1:19:42 · [snorts] He's from the planet Melmac and his name is Alf. Well, that's pretty serious stuff, Dex, and we'll be right back to check it out.
1:19:53 · Uh in a minute, folks, we'll find out whether it's a scoop or a hoax, so stand by to meet Alf. Stay put, won't you?
1:20:00 · Please come out for Nina. Where's the room freshener? Alf, come out. They are ready for you now.
1:20:08 · Dr. Moyers.
1:20:10 · Dr. Moyers. Where's Alf? He's locked himself in the bathroom. What? He doesn't want to do the show. We'll get him out of there. Knock down the door. Do something. Bring him out.
1:20:18 · Go on.
1:20:21 · Alf, come out. They are ready for you. I can't. My foot's stuck in the bidet.
1:20:26 · Please.
1:20:29 · Get out of the way. Open up, Alf. Back off, buddy. Take a number. They're on the air.
1:20:38 · How's my hair?
1:20:40 · Sparse. Get out of here. Well, we're back, folks, with Dexter Moyers and Alf. Are you there, Dex? Right here, Nigel. Well, we're we're we're all sitting on the edge of our chairs with our breaths baited. We're ready to meet Alf. Still locked in the john.
1:20:59 · He doesn't seem to be here at the moment. Why doesn't that surprise us?
1:21:04 · Well, I mean, he's here in the studio. He's just not here beside me. Uh he's he's getting his nose powdered.
1:21:11 · He's a little sensitive about how big it appears on TV, you understand?
1:21:14 · We've got to move things along, Dex.
1:21:16 · We've got the whole world watching. I'm sure they're getting him right now. I I don't know I don't know what's happened. We seem to have lost our satellite feed. Get out of there. The show's over, Dexter. You've been canceled. All right, Lieutenant, let's mop up this operation. And I want that alien unharmed. Yes, sir. Alf, open up. This is Hey, hey, hey.
1:21:46 · Well, folks, as I said before the commercial, it was either a scoop or a hoax, and now I guess we know which one it was. We'll take another commercial break, and when we come back, we'll be talking with Terry and Alf. You're off me, airman.
1:22:01 · They call me.
1:22:02 · Relax. These are the good times, Captain. Enjoy the fruits of your labor. Rick! Melissa! Hey, go easy with her. I thought we had a deal. How about this for a deal, Captain? You and your associate get to be court-martialed. Plus, and I'm throwing this in as a bonus, the alien will be dead by next week.
1:22:30 · That good enough for you?
1:22:35 · I knew you couldn't be trusted. The committee should know what it is you've been planning all along.
1:22:40 · Yeah, what's that?
1:22:42 · This is the requisition form for the poison serum you ordered to kill Alf.
1:22:48 · What serum?
1:22:49 · Let me refresh your memory. Level three bio-hazardous material, section 12-801, requested by you. I didn't request anything, Captain. In fact, I think if you look closely, you'll see Lieutenant Reese's signature on that piece of paper, not mine. See, that's what second lieutenants are for, to take the fall. Nevertheless, let me file that for safekeeping. Oh my. Oh [music] dear, look at this. Oh, what a shame. Well, it was a worthless piece of paper anyway.
1:23:28 · Nice working with you, sir.
1:23:30 · Sir!
1:23:32 · Take him away.
1:23:35 · Disgusting.
1:24:00 · All right, fellas. Once more from the top. A one and a two and a kick. Kick. Oh, come on, men. Lighten up. It's me, your ex-bookie.
1:24:26 · Welcome back.
1:24:28 · Thanks.
1:24:30 · Forgive me if I don't get up. Well, well, well, didn't you lead us on a merry little chase?
1:24:36 · A delightful little chase, indeed. You don't seem too delighted.
1:24:40 · Oh, but I am. In fact, I couldn't be happier. See, your escape attempt will prove to be the final nail in your coffin. What escape attempt? I was kidnapped.
1:24:51 · Oh, please. We both know that Hill and Mullikan weren't acting on their own. You manipulated their minds. You clouded their thoughts. I think you have me confused with the psychic hotline. Now, you listen to me, you furry little freak. When we exterminate you, we're going to be sending a message to every other extraterrestrial out there. We will no longer be intimidated. Not me, not my mama, not anyone.
1:25:17 · Your mama?
1:25:19 · Did he say his mama?
1:25:21 · Where did that come from?
1:25:22 · You drove my mama insane, you and your kind. I didn't even know your mama. I'm sure she was a great mama. In 48 hours, the committee will reconvene to determine your future, or the lack of it, to be more precise. Project Alf is about to be terminated. Not just the project, but the Alf.
1:25:44 · Arrivederci, baby.
1:25:54 · Any chance of me getting a cappuccino?
1:25:59 · Apparently not.
1:26:02 · Oh, [snorts] man.
1:26:12 · I can honestly say that I really had my doubts about you, Colonel. Oh, really?
1:26:16 · Why is that?
1:26:17 · Well, I always thought you had your own personal agenda. But obviously, the whole country owes you a huge vote of confidence.
1:26:26 · Why, thank you, General. Cheers. Cheers.
1:26:32 · Oh, speaking of votes, would you happen to know when the New Hampshire primary is? March or April, I think.
1:26:38 · Why? Just curious.
1:26:42 · Come in.
1:26:46 · Permission to enter, sir? What is it, Lieutenant?
1:26:50 · Before your committee reconvenes, General Stone, I have a videotape that you may be interested in seeing. Look, we've seen all the videotapes on the alien we need to see. Thank you. Alf's not in this one, sir.
1:27:00 · You are.
1:27:03 · What?
1:27:06 · Allow me.
1:27:16 · This is the requisition form for the poison serum you ordered to kill Alf What serum?
1:27:23 · Let me refresh your memory. Uh level three bio-hazardous material, section 12-801, REQUESTED BY YOU. I didn't request anything, Captain. In fact, if you look close, you'll see Lieutenant Reese's signature on that piece of paper, not mine. See, that's what second lieutenants are for, to take the fall. But let me file that for safekeeping. Permission to be excused, sir.
1:27:56 · Permission granted.
1:28:04 · It is the further determination of this panel that an [music] official apology be sent to all of you. Suitable for framing, we hope. Absolutely, Alf. Good. I have the frames, 5.99 [music] each, today only. As far as this committee is concerned, we will do everything possible to guarantee the safety and comfort of our ambassador from another galaxy, Alf. This ambassador is pretty high maintenance. We know. We've seen the food bills.
1:28:36 · Lastly, we would like to thank our fine young officers for a job well done. To first Lieutenant Harold Reese for bringing certain evidence to our attention. And to Colonel Melissa Hill and Major Rick Mullikan for their exceptional courage and dedication to Project Alf. Our congratulations to all of you on your pending [music] promotions. Hear that? I'm still your superior officer.
1:29:10 · Permission to discuss [music] it over dinner, Colonel?
1:29:13 · Permission granted.
1:29:19 · The banquet you ordered, sir.
1:29:22 · I've taken the liberty of having [music] my assistant Rocket provide us with a little nosh. What a mensch. It's the least I could do to show my appreciation. Go ahead, Rockin Wagner. [music] Do your thing. I'm in robot hell. Popcorn, peanuts, pretzels. Help yourselves, folks. They're only a dollar [music] a bag. Well, then, if there is no further business, this hearing is a Wait. Wait. Let me do it. This hearing is impaired. Ha!
1:29:56 · [screaming] Ha!
1:29:58 · Ha!
1:29:59 · Ha!
1:30:00 · Get Ha!
1:30:02 · Aha! Ha!
1:30:04 · Ha!
1:30:04 · [music] Ha! Ha! I jack a gavel truck? Give me that. Get Where did you get this? Mhm. Judgito.
1:30:13 · Catch.
1:30:22 · [music] [music] [music] [music]